That Time My Neighbour Had a Threesome in Front of Me

I woke up to a huge breast in my face.

I wasn’t quite sure what I was looking at to begin with, but as my eyes focused slightly and I had flashes of what had happened the night before, things got clearer.

Definitely a breast.

Above it, a woman was sleeping peacefully. I was looking up at her as she slept.

Wait, “looking up?” I was on the floor… Why had I been sleeping on the floor?

I was lying on a thin fold-out mattress, covered by a sheet, my head on a pillow fringed with a bit of lace. Which was rather strange, because I was sure I’d fallen asleep on that double bed where the breast-woman now lay.

Three pairs of feet stuck out at the bottom of the double mattress beside me. Female, male, female. There were three bodies lying in that bed, and judging by the giant breast and the clothes littering the floor – bras, thongs, a belt, a pair of boxers – they were all completely naked.

I spied my phone on the side table, perilously close to the sleeping breast-woman. As I reached up, a figure rose from the middle of the bed,

Yep, that would be my completely naked neighbour.

“Do you want to go and see if we can open your front door now?” he said amiably.

My head still refusing to accept the current state of affairs, I shook my head. Why was my Spanish so bad this morning? Then I remembered. The tequila.

“Um, no it’s fine.. Where’s your bathroom?” I said. Confused by three different doors in the very small bedroom, I did a bit of revolving on the spot until he pointed at the correct one.

Outside the bedroom, I blinked quickly and tried to get my bearings. This apartment looked very different to how I remembered it… To my right was a room, the door open. As I passed it, I saw a man in a white vest sitting comfortably in a plastic chair, watching television. Was there any reaction at the strange Western girl in his apartment? No? Ok then, moving on.

I successfully located the bathroom, locked myself in and stared at my face in the mirror. Thoughts swirling. What on earth was going on?!

The more I stood there, the more memories came flooding back to me.

Coming home at 1.30am after a few drinks out with friends on a Friday night in Medellin. The heavy rain. My absolute inability to get the key into the lock – not because I was drunk, but because it simply would not fit. The panic growing as I rang the doorbell repeatedly to no avail; the calls and texts to my landlady; the calls and texts to friends, none of whom picked up.

And then the crowning moment: realising that the key was now stuck in the lock – presumably from me repeatedly banging it with the palm of my hand in sheer desperation – and it wasn’t coming out.

Locked out of my Colombian apartment at 2am

At that point I’d had to think of other options. Ok, so I wasn’t getting any help from using my phone. So what else could I do?

Looking to the row of houses opposite, I could see lights on in the second floor. I could hear music, and laughter. It was 2am: nobody was walking the streets, no taxis were driving past.

I took a deep breath, made myself trust in the kindness of strangers, crossed the road and rang the doorbell.

A short, stocky man in his late twenties answered the door.

“Estas bien?” he said. Although clearly I wasn’t.

Together, Felipe (stocky neighbour/stranger) and I crossed back over the road to my front door, and he attempted wrestling with the very firmly stuck key. When we both understood it definitely wasn’t moving, he gestured back to his house.

“It’s fine,” he said. “You can come back to mine until we get in touch with your landlady.”

Up the stairs we went, eventually reaching a room filled with about twelve Colombians sitting on a collection of chairs and sofas, happily doing shots of aguardiente and tequila and playing with balloons.

Two girls in tiny black dresses and pointy heels moved apart so I could squeeze between them on the shiny leather sofa. I was introduced to everyone, multiple times. I was a bit drunk, increasingly tired and worried about how on earth I was going to get back into my apartment, but apparently none of that mattered because –

“Tequila!”

The room’s war cry as a bottle was passed from hand to hand, accompanied by numerous little plastic shot glasses and a salt shaker. Eventually, after an hour or so of stop-start Spanish conversation with the two ladies either side of me, plus a number of tequila shots being thrust into my hand, I looked plaintive and weary enough that Felipe took the hint.

“Would you like to go to sleep now?” he asked.

I bade the two girls goodnight and followed him through the flat to a bedroom. He got some sheets from a closet, laid them on the empty double bed and left the room. Exhausted, I fell onto the bed and went straight to sleep.

Back to the present: sorting out the morning after

Being in the bathroom had been an enlightening experience; all the details of the night before coming back to the forefront of my memory. But there was something more confusing that still stuck out like a sore thumb: if I’d gone to sleep in an empty room in an empty bed, why had I woken up on the floor?

More than that – why had I been lying on a thin mattress, covered by a sheet with my head on a pillow? Had Felipe moved me to the floor so they could sleep? Had he lifted me?!

I eventually walked back into the bedroom again and stood awkwardly, just inside the door. I didn’t fancy my chances of sneaking past the elderly Colombian without having some kind of explanatory showdown, so I figured I’d wait till Felipe woke up a bit more and then let me out of the house himself.

I absolutely did not expect what happened next.

What do you do when someone has sex in front of you?

Without making any move to register that I was back in the room, Felipe left his middle position in the bed and climbed on top of the breast-woman. Still under the sheets, he started moving. As far as I was aware, he was having sex with her.

I wasn’t going to get any closer to find out.

For those of you who’ve ever crossed a street with me, you might know I’m of the ‘deer caught in the headlights’ persuasion. When something horribly dangerous or dramatic starts to occur in front of me, I freeze. Like when a speeding car is coming at me. Or, you know, like involuntarily having to watch a group of strangers engage in a threesome.

I began typing furiously on my phone, not caring which keys I hit, solely to have somewhere else to look. Clearly my best move would have been to run screaming out of the door but I apparently didn’t have the capacity to think up such a move. Nope, instead I stood in painful awkwardness, praying it’d be over quickly.

There was also a certain level of utter incredulity. Did they seriously not care that I was in the room too?!

The most worrying aspect by far was that breast-woman’s arm was lying flat against her side; no movement, nothing. I vaguely hoped she was enjoying it, at least. Meanwhile, the other woman eventually sat up, on the far edge of the bed – sex still continuing on the nearest side to me – and fished around on the floor for her thong. She put it on and walked towards me, at which I pretended to be very busy with the texts I was writing.

No conversations with a thong-only-clad Colombian lady in a stranger’s apartment on a tequila hangover, thank you very much.

Where on earth do we go from here?

After a few minutes, Felipe appeared at the end of the bed. I was only looking out from my peripherals by this point so hadnt seen him move – although I can attest that there were no noises to indicate the situation…finishing…

As he pulled his jeans on, my virile neighbour asked breezily for a second time if I’d like to go and sort my house key out. The two semi-naked women were now having a chat – presumably about their recent threesome. I didn’t attempt to listen.

Together, Felipe and I walked through the flat, waving hola to his dad, still stoically watching TV, and his mum hanging out the washing on the balcony. Down the stairs, across the road and towards my front door – where, to my utter relief, there was no key stuck in the lock anymore.

Shrugging off the immediate concern that someone had probably wrestled it out in an attempt to break in, I rang the doorbell and my housemate appeared at the second floor window.

“I lost my key!” I yelled, hopefully, up to her. She disappeared, only to re-emerge at the front door moments later.

Felipe didn’t seem ready for us to part ways.

“Take my phone number,” he urged. I dutifully tapped it into my phone, silently willing him to turn and leave. More specifically, for him to remove his foot from the inside of my doorway.

“Did that honestly just happen?!”

I thought, as I finally made it back to my bedroom and slammed the door behind me while I tried to make sense of the last twelve hours.

Yep, a pretty weird and unexpected turn of events: locked out of my apartment, crashed at a neighbour’s house and woke up to him having sex with a couple of women in the same room as me. Probably the weirdest and most terrifying morning I’ve had in South America.

And I still don’t know how I ended up on the floor…

Have you ever been in a bizarre situation abroad that you couldn’t make head or tail of? I’d love to hear about it – if only to absolve myself about this one…

 

About Flora

Flora Baker is the founder and editor of Flora the Explorer, where she writes about her travels around the world, her volunteering exploits and her ongoing attempt to become fluent in Spanish by talking to anyone who'll listen. Follow her on Facebook, Twitter, and Google Plus.

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40 Responses to That Time My Neighbour Had a Threesome in Front of Me

  1. Katie @ The World on my Necklace June 5, 2014 at 1:18 am #

    Wow! What a post! That must have been supremely awkward, makes a great story though 🙂

    • Flora July 11, 2014 at 1:48 am #

      Awkward as hell, prime writing material 😛

  2. Pepe Samson June 5, 2014 at 4:24 am #

    Laughing so hard. Hahahahahaha.

    • Flora July 11, 2014 at 1:49 am #

      Me too. But only belatedly.

  3. Chan June 5, 2014 at 5:35 am #

    Ahem!
    I’m so glad to know that someone else has gone through this too. Imagine my experience was worse!
    Picture the hills of north India, a cozy hotel room with a big bed(oh god why), lots of wine and three drunk people- 2guys and a girl. I sit on one side of the bed, awkwardly watching as my roomie started to get a little too comfy with this guy we met that very morning. When we finally put the lights off I turned the other way, covered my ears with a sheet and waited in dread. God please turn my ears off! But no, I heard enough. Too much. It was scary and it was scarring. Arguably my most horrible night ever, worse than the time I had a head injury and didn’t know if I’d wake up the next day. Perhaps it was the alcohol, but I couldnt move. There was nowhere else to go.
    Next time I share a room with new people, I’ll carry a tent.

    • Flora July 11, 2014 at 1:50 am #

      Ok that’s a horrible one – at least I didn’t have to fall asleep in front of my situation!

  4. Caroline Eubanks June 5, 2014 at 9:35 am #

    Hahaha this is too funny.

  5. Nikita June 5, 2014 at 11:50 am #

    Well, that was probably very traumatic…
    But the story that resulted from it added humor to my day!
    …so, thank you, Felipe?

    • Flora July 11, 2014 at 1:51 am #

      I hadn’t thought of thanking him… I still don’t think I can quite do that yet…

  6. Karina June 5, 2014 at 12:57 pm #

    Whoa! That sounded like something out of a movie, just crazy reading it, but you write so well, I felt like I was there! I now have kind of an ewww feeling, though! 🙂

    • Flora July 11, 2014 at 1:51 am #

      Trust me, Katrina, my ‘ewww’ feeling is a LOT worse! But thanks for the compliment :p

  7. Dena June 5, 2014 at 1:14 pm #

    My husband and I were once staying in a hostel, bunking with an Aussie who hooked up with a Canadian girl. Just at the head of our bed the slurpy sound of kissing and the panting, fumbling sounds of feeling her up woke us up, but it wasn’t until the Canadian called it quits and went back to her own room that the real show began. Yep, you guessed it…a one man show occurred in the bed across from us. Complete with moaning. Afterwards he fell right off to sleep, snoring, of course, just in case we might want to stay awake to talk about it…which we did. The next morning at breakfast he threw us an apology for “maybe keeping us up.” I wonder what he thought when I told him not to worry about it, “it was entertaining.”

    • elizabeth June 15, 2014 at 6:11 pm #

      Funny!

    • Flora July 11, 2014 at 1:52 am #

      Perfect response, Dena! Love it 🙂

  8. Erin De Santiago June 5, 2014 at 2:39 pm #

    OMG Flora! LOL I can just imagine your face!

    • Flora July 11, 2014 at 1:53 am #

      I went through a large amount of facial expressions. Most of them were not positive in any way..

  9. Amanda June 5, 2014 at 3:49 pm #

    Ahhhhh talk about awkward!!!

  10. Vicky June 5, 2014 at 5:27 pm #

    Aaaaahhh seriously cannot even believe that happened to you!!!

    • Flora July 11, 2014 at 1:53 am #

      I KNOW!! I’m still a little unconvinced that it really did.. .

  11. Shaun June 5, 2014 at 5:48 pm #

    Wow…tequila can turn any night in to something that makes you say “Did that honestly just happen?!”

    But I like how you reasoned with “I vaguely hoped she was enjoying it, at least” too funny but very odd. I actually don’t care too much about the sex, but wondering how I got on the floor would get to me too.

    • Flora July 11, 2014 at 1:56 am #

      Well I really hoped she was! There had to be one person having a good time in that room, at the very least..

  12. Beatrice June 7, 2014 at 2:19 pm #

    Dear Flora
    as a faithful reader I much prefer your stories and reflections on travel, work, volunteer and personal relationships abroad. I found this post a little shocking and out of your usual style. I am looking forward to reading about your adventures in Cuba!
    Beatrice

    • Flora July 11, 2014 at 1:55 am #

      I’m so sorry you felt uncomfortable with this piece, Beatrice – it wasn’t my intention to give anyone that kind of feeling. Rest assured that I’m not going to make a habit of writing in this same vein! And I do hope you keep reading 🙂

    • John March 7, 2015 at 2:57 pm #

      Who brought the Debbie Downer to the party? Christian camp is two blocks to the left.

  13. Zoe @ Tales from over the Horizon June 8, 2014 at 1:09 pm #

    Err Awkward!

  14. the very best rice cooker June 27, 2014 at 11:22 am #

    I always spent my half an hour to read this weblog’s posts everyday
    along with a mug of coffee.

    • Flora July 11, 2014 at 1:57 am #

      And then you read this article and spit the coffee out..?

  15. Katie P June 30, 2014 at 4:00 am #

    Haha amazing. Interesting the different views to sex and having it, there is between the cultures. For instance since I’ve been in India on whatever form of tansport there is always that Tolkien Indian man watching hardcore porn. As if a 15 hour bus journey wasn’t painful enough. But thanks was very entertaining!

    • Flora July 11, 2014 at 1:36 am #

      WHAT is it with the porn watching on Indian transport?! I remember a guy opposite me in the top bunk of a night train – sheets moving rhythmically while he watched a ‘private DVD’… urgh.

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    • Flora July 11, 2014 at 1:58 am #

      This is such a wonderfully inappropriate spam comment to get for this particular article..!

  17. Amber July 7, 2014 at 12:29 am #

    That is hilarious yet very scary! The one thing this post taught me is never EVER drink Tequila around people I don’t know!

    • Flora July 11, 2014 at 1:47 am #

      Ohh you can say that again!!

  18. Katrina July 8, 2014 at 1:41 am #

    Oh you poor thing – that’s so dreadful. But also a little funny now that it’s happened and you’re fine and you’ve left the situation. Awkward times a million.

    I had my first “couple having sex in the bunk bed underneath me” situation at a hostel in Cusco the other day which was also traumatising. Apparently it happens a lot in hostels but thankfully not to me. Until then. Gawd how I wish I could unhear the chat that accompanied it.

    Anyway, great post.

    • Flora July 11, 2014 at 1:59 am #

      Oh god, when you’re in the top bunk you can’t escape either, that’s the worst one! Although you could have rocked the bed to see what happened..!

  19. Alexandra July 16, 2014 at 10:04 pm #

    WOW! That is terrifying. I’m sorry I laughed out loud while reading it! I’ve been there though! Sort of…

    When I was 18, I found myself living on a houseboat in Paris with this really hip old French man and his incredibly mean Cuban wife (who only wore thongs at home regardless of who was there). One night, I come home to find that the husband had left to stay at his mini-castle in Normandy (I know….) and she had decided to throw a party with 5 of her friends from back home. Two huge sweaty men and three hyper women are just drunkenly booty dancing the night away and having fun. Everything is cool until the two men decide to lift me in the air and SANDWICH ME while trying to kiss me and gyrating their hips to the rhythm of the Reggaton music blasting through the computer speakers. I start screaming in Spanish. They don’t stop. I scream in French. Nothing. English? Nope. After what seems like an eternity, the two men finally put me down on the top of the couch where the women are sitting. The tank top I’m wearing rides up a bit and one of the women notices my belly button ring. These crazy ass people proceed to start kissing my stomach and rubbing my legs. At that point, I flung myself off the couch and ran to my room and hid under the covers. I laugh now but I was completely freaked out when it happened!

    • Flora July 25, 2014 at 10:06 pm #

      Woahh.. Well done for making it out of there (semi) unscathed!!

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  21. Jessie February 2, 2016 at 3:05 am #

    This is HILARIOUS! I know the feeling girlfriend – I was in a 4 bed mixed dorm in North Queensland .. apparently the other 3 occupants had an “arrangement” going on. Headphones, and some favourite music always helps! I guess #yolo right? Probably a much worse situation for myself was hitchhiking south of Byron Bay, NSW one morning only to be picked up by a probably-older-than-70 year old woman playing a rather blushing explicit 50 Shades of Grey Audiobook! I mean come on life – I was caught between wanting to cry and wanting to laugh hysterically! But good on her I say!

    • Flora February 17, 2016 at 10:04 am #

      Haha #yolo indeed! I can only imagine her asking you whether or not you wanted to listen along too :p

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